Hard truth

Many people have told me to stop wishing the hubs was different and just accept what it is. One lady told me it took 35 years before her husband really fell in love with Jesus. Oh God, that seems like so much wasted time! What good is patience if you are almost dead before you use it?

I realized today that one reason I am holding on so tight to the idea of a God fearing totally sold out husband is that I think that is what God wants. It is what I have dreamed about my whole life. If I give up on what I'm hoping for then it means my dream is dead and God is not going to come through in this. I mean right now my future is bleak. If I have no hope how much more bleak could it get?

As Christians we want to have unity in marriage. We want to be about the same purpose and that to influence our world for good. We want to be working toward the same goal of rearing God fearing children that know they are loved by not only us but by the God of the universe. We want to be a team accomplishing great things for the kingdom. Motivated by our love for God. We, christians, statistically are more fulfilled in life, love (literally better sex lives), and have a more positive outlook on life.

If he doesn't join me on this adventure, then I'm alone. I don't want to be alone. I've never wanted to be alone.

I can't crawl into the cage he has put himself in and join him because he isn't doing anything, or going anywhere. I will literally shrivel up and die.

I also have been wondering how much of this is Kari drama and how much is real. I know that marriage for your regular Joe is very difficult. Maybe mine is just normal. Well, I was hanging out with a friend this last weekend and she mentioned that when she was single she was pretty independent and she never thought that she would be that person that would miss her spouse when they were apart from each other. That is what she is experiencing in her marriage. Literally, she said she feels like a part of her is absent when they are not together. Not in a sit on the floor rocking kind of way but a healthy he is my other half kind of way.

I have never felt that. Quite the opposite actually.

So what do I do?
I suppose when I figure it out I'll let you know.

Of a mom being schooled by a 4 yr old

My beautiful babies are teaching me more about the love of Christ than I ever knew before. My Clara is 4. She is her mothers daughter in the fact that she is a Sass! Yikes. I struggle with how to parent in a godly way so as not to destroy her little spirit but also to require respect and obedience. My Daniel is almost 3. He is sweet and tough all at the same time. I also struggle with how to parent him as to show him how to be gentle but strong at the same time. I do take comfort in the fact that God gave them to me because he knew I would be the best mother for them although I question his judgement some days. So I pray. I pray that Gos will give me wisdom to know how to reach their hearts not just influence their behavior. That my parenting will draw them to the heart of God not push them away. That I will be giving them valuable tools for living and not just behavior that minimizes embarrassment for their mother.

Sunday was hot. I had the kids by myself as Scott was helping his parents close up his grandmothers house 4 hours away. I had an extra long day at church so we were headed home around nap time. On the drive Clara said she wanted water. I explained that there was no water in the van and she would have to wait until we got home. She started kicking my seat and saying, "I don't want to wait! I'm NOT going to wait!" She repeated herself and got increasingly agitated and loud for the next 5 min. I could do literally nothing about her wanting water.

I realized that this is how I have been behaving in life. I want to tell God; I want a healthy husband and a great marriage NOW!! I'm not gonna wait!!!

Like a little brat I want to demand what I want when I want it. Unlike me God has the power to do whatever he wants but He also loves me enough not to give me what my tantrum demands. I need to wait. God's timing is never wrong. It's always perfect. It doesn't mean I won't be thirsty for a time but my needs are always met and even the road to my desires is laid out for me to walk on. The road is not gold plated and has a ton of pot holes so I need to stay focused on my heavenly Father who, I believe, wants the same thing I want. A healthy husband and a great marriage.

I did parent Clara out of her tantrum and she did get a drink when we got home but I let the episode go on just long enough for me to really see how insane it was for me to be resisting the working of God in my life. YES it takes a ton of self sacrifice, YES it takes self denial, YES it requires humility, and YES all of that hurts. So far, and I'm far from the end, it has been worth it.

Stay tuned for more lessons from the bumpy road.

lessons from a fish

So a few things I have been thinking about lately. I am like a fish in a tank. I watch my fish tank and the fish swim around and enjoy everything I have given them. They are completely reliant on me. I give them food, I clean their habitat, I make sure that they have what they need. How weird would it be if one of them just kept swimming into the glass trying to get out. That little fish would never succeed but if the fish doesn't face the fact that it is in the tank and appreciate what is there that fish will eventually kill itself. I am like that fish. If I do not settle down and appreciate what God has given me. If I don't stop banging my head on the wall of my circumstances screaming about how this is not what I wanted I will eventually wreak myself. 

I heard a pastor talk about how his daughter when she was 3 ask him if he would take her to Disney World for her 5th birthday. He was not paying attention as he was watching a game and so he absent mindedly said, "yes baby" and she trotted off completely happy. On her 4th birthday she announced to everyone that her daddy was going to take her to Disney for her 5th birthday. She never once doubted his answer to her and she lived in the peace of that answer as if it had already happened. She just waited for the fruition of that promise. He encouraged that we pray to that end. You see God does answer our prayers. He will accomplish what He wills in us. The work is done as far as God is concerned and we just need to live from that promise. 

This last Sunday our speaker said this, we want to be transported to the better circumstance to arrive without the process but God is in the business of transforming. It is about the process not the position.  I am confident that God has me on a trajectory of greatness. Whether that is being a great mom, eventually becoming a great wife, or becoming the president of the united states. I have no idea what it could be but that is not the point is it. I need to be faithful in the everyday and will one day realize the purpose for which I was placed in this world, at this time, with these people, and responsible for these lives.

The sermon was about Joseph who never fails to inspire me. His dream promise happened when he was 17 years old. He was sold into slavery, charged wrongfully with rape, jailed for 13 years!!!, and eventually became the second in command during a time when that would have made him the second most powerful man in the world. THEN and only then did he see that promise come true. He was 41. That is a long time to wait. And he was faithful in every situation God put him in. 

God please work that gold into my heart. Help me stop swimming into the glass. 

A prayer warrior in training.

It's time I shared what God is teaching me though this tough marriage chapter of my life. One thing I have learned is that even though I was saved very young, about 10 yrs old, and grew up in a christian family, my Parents are pastors/teachers and missionaries, I really have never known how to pray. Okay I have prayed my whole life it seems but I mean really PRAY. Like Jesus did in the garden of Gethsemane. No I am not sweating blood but it sure feels like it sometimes. Pray like your life is hanging on every word because God is your only hope. The truth is I have grown up praying as if I'm playing catch with God and hoping he plays along. I throw up a prayer and hope he throws back an answer. I know he hears me. I know and have experienced His answers to my prayers but in this chapter of my life I am learning that not only does God hear, you know the God of the universe that created every unique snowflake, but he is INTERESTED in what I have to say.  Every expectation of a great life has been disappointed, or so it feels, and all that is left is prayer. Oh how great is the Fathers love for us.

As a woman I have had certain expectations that marriage would involve a wonderful, special, unique, connection between me and my husband. Not only physical but more importantly for me emotional. After all that is what God intended right? Well, life has turned out to be quite different than that. Scott is a wonderful provider, he works so hard and is a exceptional father. He spends time daily with the kids and has a genuine desire to spend more if he could: sleep in everyday, work less, still have time for sports, etc. Really he is a great dad.

The problem for us is not that either one of us is a bad person. It's that we are sinful beings. We have vastly different interests and levels of commitment to the life we have been given through Christ. In short we are unequally yoked and the bible promises that will be a challenge. And a challenge it is. Everyday, every conversation, every interest in life, every vacation, every money decision, every education decision for the kids, every everything.
My heart aches as we have very little in common and see the world from two opposite perspectives. We do not have the beautiful connection that it seems God planned for the union of two people. Yet I know God does not waste pain. I am deepening my faith with each word I cry out to God. I know that God's desire is for his son to be unified with him more than this wife ever could. So I wait, grow, stretch, release, mourn, hope, and PRAY for the day when I will be able to have unity in my marriage. I was going to type 'for the day when I will have peace...' but that is another thing I have learned that peace really is a choice, as is joy. I can choose to look at my situation (focusing inward) and like acid it can eat away any good, positive, admirable, thing that is happening there. OR I can choose to keep my eyes on the one who gives hope, joy, and peace to the ones who put their trust in Him.

That is my choice.

Also, in case it's a question I am also broadcasting to all the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms that I will not surrender my husband, marriage, or family! I will fight with all the hosts of heaven for as long as I need to in order to see him whole and healed.

I'm sure there will be plenty more to come so stay tuned.
God is at work in this house!!
Kari

Opposite World

More is caught than taught

Opposite World 

(WARNING:This is a random compilation of thoughts)

It's an interesting thing to think about what opposite world means.
I have posted in my house this term related to thinking, reactions, comments, tone of voice, etc. It is HARD! When my 3yr old rips something out of her brothers hands I just about loose my mind because for the 50 billionth time I'm explaining how that is not kind. However, she sees my reaction and it begs the question, how is my reaction any more kind than what she just did?
The scripture I have been trying to meditate on is James 1:26: If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. The scripture has so much to say about the power of the tongue. Yet, we spout things off on social media or to family that is so unthoughtful. I am trying to teach my kids the importance of being kind and am constantly reminded that "more is caught than taught." I feel like I have been bombarded with this idea in relation to my marriage too.

I have been rebelling against the idea that I need to be a nice, gracious, empathetic, helpful, meek, submissive(but not weak!), supportive, and encouraging, wife in order to exact change in my marriage. That by me taking the high road there would be more effort put into what would strengthen our marriage, there would be mutual effort, mutual respect, that it would build a team mentality to life and parenting, there would be more consideration of my needs. Quite frankly that it would cause my spouse to see Jesus in me and drive him to his knees in repentance spontaneously curing his insecurity, his selfishness, his anger, and his pride. 
Not like I expect much of my influence. Eye roll

You can't teach what you refuse to model.  

I can fight it . . . which does not teach my kids the value of loving, being meek (def: having or showing a quiet and gentle nature: not wanting to fight or argue with other people), compassion, valuing people, or trusting God. More is caught than taught . . . But quite the opposite: bitterness, rage, complaining, self-pity, pride, NOT the legacy I want to leave.
I must address the whole concept of dying to myself which seems to be how I could define the process of what is happening to me right now. It hurts!!! I can't stand being humble!!!!! I want to be right all the time. I want to have things go my way. I feel like I singularly put so much work into building my house, our environment, our mentalities, etc. to be life giving and peaceful that I want everyone to follow me!!! Do what I say!!! Stop acting like my work has no value!!!

God protect my babies from my sin!

So my constant mantra is James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." 
Clearly I have a ways
to go to even vaguely resemble humility, grace, and compassion. God is faithful. I tell everyone, and the truth makes my will ache, that God is so faithful that he will revisit whatever lesson we need. Of coarse that means challenges in specific areas until we learn. Until it is a soul change. OUCH!!
Needless to say the process of dying hurts and takes time. I'm learning everyday through every failure that God's way, the opposite world way, is the best way whether it feels like the high road or not. It is the only way to keep my sanity and teach my kids how to be more like Christ and to BE more like Christ. 
That is my goal and that is why I live.